What are your triggers?
My sister randomly asked me what my triggers are a few days ago. What reminds me of my father’s death? a lot of things do, but here are few:
- There’s a place in Victoria Island that makes me extremely sad every time I drive pass. It reminds of the morning my father died, because I made a stop there to pick my mum’s friend before heading to the hospital. Every time I drive passed this area I can’t help but think about that morning, heading to the hospital, not a single idea that my whole life was about to change.
- Dunsin Oyekan’s song “Yah”. I can’t listen to that song without crying. I remember listening to his latest album that morning and playing that song over and over again. For weeks after the passing I couldn’t listen to music, and for months I couldn’t listen to that song. Now when I do, my mind goes back to that morning.
- When people die a certain way in movies. Seeing anyone die how my dad did really triggers me.
- When people say “I’ll be fine” in a certain tone. The day before my dad passed, that’s all he kept saying to us. For the first month I kept hearing my dad say it over and over in my head.
- Nose bleeds really trigger me
- When people talk about cancer
- Father’s Day
- Father daughter dance at weddings
These are a few I remember atm. Experiencing the death of a loved one is a very traumatic thing. Sometimes when I really deep the finality of death, I get crazy anxiety because there are still so many more people on earth I love with my whole heart and the thought of feeling this pain again or even dying and leaving my loved ones behind, grieving, breaks my heart. I hate it so much.
Almost six months without my dad and he has already missed so much. Father’s day, my sister’s birthday, my mum’s, the company securing a major contract he was chasing… and he’s going to miss a lot more. Some times I struggle to see the point in living life how we’ve been conditioned. Why do I need to work so hard if I’m just gonna die and leave it all behind? Why do I need to build this strong bond, fall in love, start a family, if I can die at any moment and leave them behind with all that pain?
I guess somethings will never fully make sense to me