Triggered by the clouds.
I couldn’t stop staring at the clouds on my way to work this morning. They looked so beautiful. It made me think about how my dad will never have moments like that again; sitting in the back seat, looking out the window, on his way to work.
I can’t stop crying today. Held myself together throughout my morning meetings but right now I feel so so heavy. It’s not just about my father’s death, it’s everything before and everything after. Most days I feel like myself, I feel fine. But then I have days like today, where my mind can’t focus on one single thing and everything hurts, and everything is annoying and I just want to crawl into a dark space, and shut my eyes for a few days. No dreams, no noise, no sense of anything, just stillness.
I need warmth, cuddles maybe. I don’t know. Anything but this.
I feel very impatient with a lot of things right now, and I hate how awful it feels to want everything to just work and be okay, but it can’t.
Today, I’m tired.