4am with Rach.
My sister and I are best friends, haven’t always been, but the older we’ve gotten, the closer we’ve become. It’s amazing really. We have a lot of deep conversations, and I love how I feel after them. This morning’s conversation was super deep, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Healing. Healing is difficult, especially when you have triggers in proximity.
… (trying to decide how vulnerable I want to be in this post. Let’s keep going)….
My sis and I talked about our romantic relationships this time. I am blessed to have sister I can be completely honest with about my fears, about anything really, and feel understood. Some days I drag my sis, some days she drags me. It was my turn to be dragged. I would say I’m self aware, I’ve worked super hard on myself for the last five years, and I’m proud of the woman I am now. Seventeen year old Chioma would be so proud of me.
Although I am aware of my many flaws, working through them is harder some days than others. My sis and I talked about how hard it is to heal, and move on from things when there’s a constant reminder of said thing. We talked about how hard relationships are, and how much work really goes into them, we talked about how women are raised to view relationships vs how men view them, how oblivious men can be, and how important but hard communicating really is.
I have a problem. I’m an over thinker. And because I am an over thinker, when things aren’t straightforward it bothers me for days. E.g. If I ask a simple question, and it isn’t answered directly, I instantly think the individual is being shady and hiding something. I also have trust issues. Anyway, I was reminded about all this yesterday and of course my sis and I unpacked where it all stems from. Our discovery wasn’t a surprise, I’ve always known what it was, but I’ve had little success with the healing aspect of it.
We talked about cutting our partners some slack. When progress is made, it is important to acknowledge it. Two people coming together, and deciding to be in a committed relationship, putting in work etc. Is never easy.
No one talks about how hard relationships are. Not as much as they should. Some days you don’t want to show up, not because you love your partner less, but because of little battles you have within yourself. Some days your partner doesn’t show up, you feel unloved, countless negative things running through your mind, but you have to silence that stupid voice in your head and remind yourself that love still lives there, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Relationships aren’t easy. But we do it anyway.
Main takeaways from my sissy and I’s discussion? Communicate. Vulnerability is one the hardest things in relationships, especially if you’ve watched people around get hurt by people who swore never to hurt them. But talk, about everything, and anything with your partner. If it bothers you, talk.
Heal. Never stop healing. Healing feels great sometimes, I swear it does. But some days it feels like a truck of bull shit you just don’t want to deal with. But you must. Keep trying. On days when you don’t feel like and you have triggers everywhere, talk it out, or don’t. Just don’t let yourself sit in the ugliness of it for too long.
Okay, that’s enough for one post. I’m tired of typing now. Ciao xx